Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Professional jokes


Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"


Al replied, "well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."


God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples' pain." God thinks for a second and says, "okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."


God then addresses Bill Gates; "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."










A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they get their ladders and tape measures and go out to the flagpole. Attempting to measure this flagpole was turning out to be a much more difficult task than any of them had imagined; what with them falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures and so on, the whole thing had just turned into a total mess.


After a while, an engineer happens along and sees what they are attempting to do. She walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, and lays it flat on the ground. She measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away without saying a word.


After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs as he's shaking his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"












HEIGHT OF REPETITION : You forwarding a mail to someone and receiving the same mail forwarded from him to you.

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION : Two persons sitting side by side using mails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDNESS : Two persons fighting through mails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS : You receiving no mails for a week.

HEIGHT OF IDLENESS : A person using mailtool all the time.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION : The mail server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS : Writing a intimate one and doing a reply all.

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT : A person sending the mail to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS : A person sending a mail to himself.







Talking Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."


"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"


"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.


The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"


One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"










The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their native languages.


The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman because it stands up when women are entering.


The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.


The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down after the act.


Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor because it goes from mouth to mouth.









The Little Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.


When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.


Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.


Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.


The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"









The Corporate Ladder

* When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.

* When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis.

* Wen Top management are in meetings, they discusses golf.


CONCLUSION : The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.









Ten Dollahs

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."


So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."


They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.


He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."


And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!










This is kinda long, but read the whole thing- its quite funny.


For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need totake it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!


Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.


After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer.


Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.


Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"


The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.


[Keep reading, it gets better.]


The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.


A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"


"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.


After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.


I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution :

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.


Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" ,and I hung up.


Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.


Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.




Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter and the Channel 13 News Crew, was one of the greatest experiences of my life!









Software can do Funny Things !!

In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.


The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.


The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.


The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.


Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.


The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.


The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.










A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.


One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?










In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.


So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.


Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."










I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus.It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.


When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."


Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."


"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask.

"Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."









Marriage , really that BAD ?

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.


You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


At the cocktail party, one women said to another, " Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then He is really finished.


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the women gets her mater's.


A little boy ask his father, " Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" and the father replied, " I don't know, son, I still paying for it."


Then there was a man who said, " I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."


A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.


Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering


When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why ?


Married lift is very frustrating.

In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the women listens.

In the 2nd year of marriage, the women speaks and the man listens.

In the 3rd year of marriage, the both speaks, and the neighbours listen.


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."


It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,he still ends with the same boss.


A man inserted an 'ed' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."


When a man opens the door of this car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.


A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.


A woman was telling her friend, " It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

" And what was he before you married him ?" Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".


Thanks and regards,

A Married Man









Joke Again!!

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.


During dinner He told them: "I invited you here because I need three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"


After dinner, Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:

"I have two very bad news items for you:

1. God really exists, and

2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."


Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them:

"I have Good news and Bad News:

1. The good news is: God really does exist.

2. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."


Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced:

"I have two fantastic announcements:

1. I am one of three most important people on earth.

2. The Year 2000 problem is solved."









Gender & Computers

A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.


The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on

2.They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4.As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1.No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3.Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Now, you decide what to call a Computer...










According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.


Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.


To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled brush, dipped it into the "Toilet" and scrubbed the mirror.


Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.









Toad Princess

A computer programmer comes across a toad in the road.

The toad pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".

The programmer shrugs his sholders and puts the toad in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the toad says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a month..."

The programmer takes out the toad, nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minuets later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll marry you and will live with you for the rest of my life..." The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the toad says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you that I will be your wife, I can give you all the love you want, why don't you kiss me ?"

"Look, he replies, "I'm a computer programmer... I don't have any time for a girlfriend or wife... But a talking toad... Man ! That's cool..."










A guy casually wandered over to a beautiful young woman in a busy pub and said: "If I offered you $20, would you suck my dick?"

"Certainly not!" retorted the young woman. "OK, no problem," replied the guy as he walked back to the bar to continue drinking his pint.

15 minutes later, the guy returned to where the woman was sat and said: "If I offered you $25,000, would you suck my dick?"

After pausing briefly, the woman replied: "Yes."

The fellow smiled, and said: "Great!" and strolled back to the bar flicking his hair.

5 minutes later, the bloke returned yet again and said to the woman: "If I offered you $100, would you suck my dick?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the woman, "What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"Well," said the man, "We've already established that, now we're just haggling over the price"!









How To Kill A Texas Eel

Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least his version).


"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her, and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt, when he did this she began to moan and sigh.


Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on it.


He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving. The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it was slipping out and stuck it back in. Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her boyfriend got up and the thing was dead.


It just hung there limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't come back to life again, so the battle started again. Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin off and flush it down the toilet."










There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."









The Roommate

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."


About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"


John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."


So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."


Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."









Floral Mix-ups

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. On reading the enclosed card, though, he became dismayed that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy." While he was puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.


"Oh, it's alright," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"'Congratulations on your new location.'"










Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.


"Father, I am sinful. " "Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."


"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her. "


"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."


"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you."


"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."


"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realised that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.


"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."









Lawyers in Heaven

An engineer dies and dutifully shows up at the Pearly Gates for admission to Heaven. St. Peter denies him entrance, on the basis that heaven is not accepting any engineers.


So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.


One day, God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"


Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What?!" God shouts. "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"









Old Age

A man asked his doctor if the doctor thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things, either."

"Well, then," said the doctor, "why do you want to live to be a hundred?"









Little Help from The Lord!!

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...


"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business and my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car, and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?"


Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe hears the voice of God Himself.







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