1.CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed,
I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
2.GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
3.It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the
prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
II.
1.A Doctor diagnosed a patient's rundown condition as too much worry over money matters.
"Relax", he ordered, "just two weeks ago I had another man here in a state of
fear and anxiety because he was unable to pay his tailor's bills.I told him to forget
about them and now he feels great".
"I know", said the patient looking dejected, "I am his tailor".
2."Since I brought a new car",said an officer,"I don't have to walk to the bank to make my
deposits."
"Yes, now you must be driving over?"
"No, I am left with no money to deposit".
3.After the funeral of the richest man in the village, the priest walked over to a young man
looking sad and asked,
"Are you related to the dead man?"
"No, Sir, that is the problem".
4.First boy to second boy : Do you know in my house my mother, father & brother are singer's.
Second boy : That's all.In my house even my sewing machine is singer.
5.An Indian was asked to sign some papers at airport.
He said,"I can't sign.Will a thumb impression do?"
The officer asked,"Sure.By the way,what is the purpose of your trip abroad?"
He replied,"Higher education".
6.A boxer went inside the toilets attached to the waiting room at a railway station. For fear
of losing his overcoat, he fastened a card on it and left on a stand in the room.
The following lines were subscribed on the card - "owned by a famous boxer who will be back
in a few minutes". After sometime he came back to take his overcoat.
On the stand he found a card that read, "Taken by a champion runner who is not coming back".
7.The doctor smiled as he entered the room. "You look better today", he said.
"Yes, I followed the directions on your medicine bottle."
"What were they?"
"Keep the bottle tightly corked."
8.A shopkeeper called his salesman aside, told him "profit had been very good during the year",
and gave him a cheque for one thousand rupees as a new year present.
When the salesman thanked him, the shopkeeper added that if business continued to
be good during the next six months, he would sign the cheque.
9.Ram: Come in. Do not mind the dog.
Shyam: Does he bite?
Ram: That is what I want to know. I brought him today.
10."Mr. Mahesh, you are charged," said the magistrate,
"For throwing your mother-in-law out of the window. Have you anything to say?"
"Yes your lordship, I did it without thinking."
"I quite realize that, but don't you think how dangerous it is for any person passing
at that time."
11.While a leader is addressing a gathering, a person handed a note to him.
The note contained a single word: Fool. The leader stood up, read out the word fool
mentioned in the note and said, "This the first time I have ever come across a man signing
his name and forgetting to write the letter."
12.Doctor(addressing a meeting): Overweight is just like a savings account. If you deposit(eat)
more it increases. If you spend (exercise) more, it decreases.
A fat fellow stood up and said: "But doctor mine is a fixed deposit."
13.In a certain court case, the judge asked the doctor to read out his own prescription.
"I can't read this," said the doctor.
"It is my last year's handwriting."
14.A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says,
"So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a Rabbi... Wow! Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The Priest replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!
The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us
to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest.
The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs
from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.
The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
15.A politician was presiding over the final day function of an inter-school football tournment.
While delivering his speech he said,
"Friends! Our country is a poor country but that does not necessarily mean that 22 boys
will have to play with one ball.I shall see that from next year when these boys play the
boys play the game, each will be supplied with a football in the field."
16.Wife : "You delivered an excellent speech."
Husband : "Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools and idiots."
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers and sisters?"
17.Two men were talking.
"I", said one, "only believe half of what people tell me".
"Why?"
"Because I am a laywer".
"I belive twice of what people tell me", said the other.
"Why?"
"Because I am a tax inspector".
18.Interviewer : "You are asking for too high a salary considering that you have had no
experience".
Candidate : "You see, it is much harder to do a work you know nothing about".
19.One day a man boarded a taxi which diplayed the words 'Exist'on the inside of the left door
and 'No Exist' on the right door.
Trying to be helpful, he pointed out the spelling mistake to the driver.
He said, "No mistake, Sir, try getting out of the right-hand door on a busy road and see if
you continue to exist".
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