Sunday, February 27, 2011

Funny Wedding Quotes

  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t. – Unknown
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette
  • The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. - H.V. Prochnow
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
  • Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too. - H.L. Mencken
  • A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. - Rodney Dangerfield
  • Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. - Erma Bombeck
  • A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. - Grace Hansen
  • I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. - Lewis Grizzard
  • Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join. - Elbert Hubbard
  • There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. - James Holt McGavran
  • All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. - Raymond Hull
  • The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx
  • When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip
  • A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it. - Unknown
  • When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen Rowland
  • Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
  • There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. - James Holt McGavran
  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner
  • Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up. - Evelyn Hendrickson
  • Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. - Billy Connolly
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
  • Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand
  • The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him. - Oscar Wilde
  • Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. -Unknown
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. - Henny Youngman
  • I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. - Max Kauffmann

Funny Quotations About Leadership

  • Management works in the system. Leadership works on the system. - Stephen R. Covey
  • Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. - George Patton
  • Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It is precisely that simple, and it is also that difficult. - Warren Bennis
  • The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
  • It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse. - Adlai Stevenson
  • When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy. - Dave Barry
  • Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. - Dwight Eisenhower
  • If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. If you really make them think, they'll hate you. - Don Marquis
  • Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it. - John Naisbitt
  • Pull the string, and it will follow wherever you wish. Push it, and it will go nowhere at all. - Dwight Eisenhower
  • You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. - Boris Yeltsin
  • A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. - James Crook
  • Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women. - Groucho Marx
  • Delegating work works, provided the one delegating works, too. - Robert Half
  • Anyone can steer the ship when the sea is calm. - Publilius Syrus
  • Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. - Lewis Grizzard
  • It is a terrible thing to look over your shoulder when you are trying to lead - and find no one there. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
  • People ask the difference between a leader and a boss. The leader leads, and the boss drives. - Theodore Roosevelt
  • One must change one’s tactics every ten years if one wishes to maintain one’s superiority. - Napoleon Bonaparte
  • Never forget that only dead fish swim with the stream. - Malcolm Muggeridge
  • By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. - Mark Twain
  • I am more afraid of an army of 100 sheep led by a lion than an army of 100 lions led by a sheep. - Talleyrand
  • A leader is best when people barely know he exists, not so good when people obey and acclaim him, worse when they despise him. But of a good leader who talks little when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: We did it ourselves. - Lao-Tzu
  • The question, 'Who ought to be boss?', is like asking, 'Who ought to be the tenor in the quartet?' Obviously, the man who can sing tenor. - Henry Ford
  • The best executive is the one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done, and self-restraint to keep from meddling with them while they do it. - Theodore Roosevelt

Funny Office Jokes

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
“I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.”
Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
“I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.”
Murphy's Law: Office equipment that has broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
“After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.”
“A computer DOES save time at work. I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.”
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken...."