Thursday, July 26, 2007

Milk ur cows

Jayalalithaism

You have two cows. You teach them to cry,"Ammaaaaaaa.. ."

and fall at your feet.

Karunanidhiism

You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew ..

Gandhism

You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.

Lalooism

You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattlefeed for them.

Rajnikantism

You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

Softwarism: (Ultimate... .)

Client has 2 cows and u need to milk them.

1 . First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kick off)

2 . Prepare a document how long you have to milk them (Project plan)

3 . Then prepare how to milk them (Design)

4 . Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them

(Framework)

5 . Then prepare a 2 dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client

the way in which u will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)

6 . If client is not satisfied then redo from step 2

7 You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem

with accessories. (Change framework)

8 . Redo step 4

9 . At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)

10. Make sure that cow milks properly ( Testing)

11. Onsite reports that it is not milking there.

12. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from

bulls

13. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)

14. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)

15. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk

16. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow

rate (performance issue)

17. Again you slog and send it with good performance.

18. Client is happy???

By this time both the COWs aged and cant milk.

(The software got old and get ready for next release

repeat from step 1) !!!!!

Tips to reach Six Sigma.














Wednesday, July 25, 2007

More Jokes

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers 2 protect a
Country, but just one woman 2 makes a Happy Home!
Let's Thank... KAAMWALI BAI

Boy: I'm not rich like Rahul, I don't even have a big car like Rahul, but I
Really Luv U!
Girl: I luv u too, but tell me more about Rahul.

Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (Sir Jhukate hue): Nahin sir.
Boss: Niche kya dekh rahe ho? Meri taraf dekho.

Q: Agar do pipal ke Pedon ko ek rassi se bandh diya jaye to us rassi ko kya
Kahenge?
A: Us rassi ko bolengey NOKIA - Connecting pipal

Ek yug tha jab log apne ghar ke dwar pe likhte the: ATITHI DEVO BHAVA
Phir likha: SHUBH LABH
Phir likhne lage: U R WELCOME
Aur ab likhte hain: KUTTON SE SAVDHAN
.

Khuda kare tujhe khushiyan hazaar mile, mujhse bhi achche yaar mile,
Meri galfriend tujhe raakhi baandhe aur tujhe ek aur Behan ka pyar mile

It takes 15 trees to produce the amount of paper that we use to write one
Exam.
Join us in promoting the noble cause of saving trees. SAY NO TO EXAMS


Ek ladka ek ladki ke saath baitha tha. 2nd day doosri ladki ke saath dekha
Gaya .
3rd day koi aur ladki thi. 4th day kisi nayi ladki ke saath tha
Moral: Ladkiyan badal jaati hain, ladke nahin badaltey
.

Train mein TT Sadhu se bola: Kahan Jana hai?
Sadhu: Jahan Ram ka janam hua tha.
TT: Ticket hai?
Sadhu: Nahin
TT: Chalo
Sadhu: Kahan?
TT: Jahan Krishan ka janam hua tha… Jail mein

Jokes

Interviewer: what is your birth date?

Sardar: 13th October
Which year?
Sardar : Oye ullu ke pathe _ _ _ EVERY YEAR


Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.




Teacher to Sardar: Write your best friend's name in English.
Sardar wrote: ' Beautiful Red Underware'
Teacher: What?
Sardar: His name is Sundar Lal Chaddi


After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?


One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!


Lecturer: write a note on Gandhi Jayanthi
So Sardar writes, "Gandi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanthi.


Sardar was doing experiment with cockroach, first he cut it's one leg and told WALK. WALK. Cockroach walked. Then he cut it's second leg and told the same. Cockroach walked. Then cut the third leg and did the same. At last he cut it's fourth leg and ordered it walk! But cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly sardar said loudly, "I found it. If we cut cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.



When sarda r was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.


Sardar went in a hotel. To wash hands he went to the washbasin. There he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Sardar pointed towards the board "WASH BASIN"


Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar : its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!


A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered huge Loss. Do u
know what the business was? . . . .. . . . . .. . . He opened a Saloon
in
Punjab!

A Sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral
function, suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why? He said
"SMILE PLEASE"

Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on

the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've been
promoted
as branch manager."

Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner
should be light"

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know
Why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: It's already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will
come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever u order first will come
first.

Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet

Sardar: - Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....

Sardar's wish: when i die, i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d bus he
was driving..

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in
the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just
says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes 2 china 2 find meaning of
friends
last words. It is 'U R STANDNG ON the OXyGeN TUBE!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His
wife asked what you are doing. He said-I am seeing how I look while
sleeping.

Why did Sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess
what...---To avoid side effect!!!

Man: Sardarji where were u born?

Sardarji: Punjab.

Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".

Pet Hippo


Pet Jessica, a three-quarters of a ton pet hippo of retired game warden Tonie Joubert and his wife Shirley: The hippo greets Tonie, in particular, with special grunts and flicking ears whenever she sees him and follows him like a dog wherever he goes. There is no strict daily routine, but certain crucial things must not be missed - such as the 10 litres of sweet warm coffee, which Tonie bottle-feeds her with every day, or the dog pellets which she expects as treats. Most nights, Jessica totters off back to the river for a mudbath. But on other occasions she’ll wander into the house, wet and dripping slime and plonk herself on the couple’s bed. It is becoming a problem because - unlike the famous hippo in the Silentnight bed adverts - she has broken the Jouberts’ bed three times.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Funny Quotes

Practice makes a man perfect.....

But nobody's perfect..... .so why practice?

............ ......... ......... ......... . ............ .........
......... ....

Money is not everything.

There's MasterCard & Visa.

............ ......... ... ............ ......... ......... .........
... ........

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

............ ......... ... ............ ......... ......... .........
... ........

Save water.

Shower with your girl friend.

............ ......... ... ............ ......... ......... .........
... ........

Love thy neighbour.

But don't get caught.

............ ......... ......... ......... . ............ .........
......... ....

Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

............ ......... ......... ......... . ............ ...
............ .......

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

............ ......... ......... ......... . ............ .........
......... ....

The wise never marryAnd when they marry they become otherwise.

............ ......... ......... ......... . ............ .........
......... ....

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

............ ......... ......... ......... . ............ .........
......... ....

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

............ ......... ... ............ ......... ......... .........
... ........

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

............ ......... ......... ......... . ............ .........
......... ....

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause
children

............ ......... ......... ......... . ............ .........
......... ....

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

............ ......... ... ............ ......... ......... .

Friday, July 20, 2007

50 Fun Things to Do During an Exam

If you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam:
  1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
  2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
  3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
  4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
  5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
  6. Bring cheerleaders.
  7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
  8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
  9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
  10. Bring pets.
  11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
  12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
  13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
  14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
  15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
  16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
  17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
  18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
  19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
  20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
  21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
  22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
  23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
  24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
  25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
  26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
  27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
  28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
  29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
  30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
  31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
  32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
  33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
  34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
  35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
  36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
  37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
  38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
  39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
  40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
  41. One word: Wrestlemania.
  42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
  43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
  44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
  45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
  46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
  47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
  48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
  49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
  50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

2020 newspaper headline



Thursday, July 19, 2007

Can You Guess ?

Guess what this is !!

*
Its a hard disk in 1956....The Volume and Size of 5MB memory storage in 1956.In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data.

Intelligent Sardar

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from
Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would
like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy
and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5,
and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there
will be no end to this torment,
agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,
pulls out a $5 bill and
hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches
the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and
hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the
Sardar and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands
the American $5,

and goes back to sleep!

Thirotharakkaran

kaashavaani thirondaram Aaalappuzha , vaarthakalum mattum vayikkanathu paarassalayolla “chelvan”


Pradhaana vaarthakalu

" Vyaaliyilu takkarum laariyum koottiyidichu anchettu payalukalu chathu. Chathathungale thanthakkum thallakkum onnonnara lacham roova sarkkareennu kittum"

“ Chaalayilu 3 javuli kadakalu thee kathi, mazhakalu thoottiyappam complete kettu”

“ Sekaarttariattinu munnee kvaalam kathicha payalukale poleesu adikalu pattichu, aa area-lolla janam motham vodi thalli”

“ Mun manthiri kocheeshnan uchiyilu thyaangakalu veenu chathu. Manthirimaaru motham thekku vadakku njettalukalu ryaakhappeduthi “

“ Mullaperiyattee vellangalu pongeyaanu…. Chuttuvattatholla janam valla thyaarikalilum kyaari pattellengee pinne olichu poyi mungi poyi ennakke mongandi varum “

“ Naale thottu indhana vyaavarikalu harthaalanu, petroolukalu adikkanollavanellam inniyanne queue ninnu adikkeen “

“ Videsha paryadanathinu poya kyaanthiri manthiri kattabomman urundu veenu kaalulukki, ippam praanchi praanchi nadakkeyaanu”

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Chesham Vaarthakalu uchakku moonnu moonnarakku… ellavanum veedukalee poveen !

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

The Beautiful Planet.








TAJMAHAL IS MOVING FROM AGRA TO PUNE

Gud News for the PUNE People.

TAJMAHAL IS MOVING FROM AGRA TO PUNE
don't believe ? huh..?
Ok... Scroll down to see the proof
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even I am looking for the person who sent it to meee........