The First Step Is the Hardest

If you can get up the courage to begin,
you have the courage to succeed.

Begin where you are, work where you are.
The hour which you are now wasting,
dreaming of some far off success,
may be crowded with grand possibilities.

The first essential of success is that you begin.
Once you have started,
all that is within and without you will come to your assistance.

Do not wait.
The time will never be "just right."
Start where you stand,
and work with whatever tools you have at your command.
Better tools will be found as you go along.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Refusing To Accept Failure

Sir Edmund Hillary was the first man to climb Mount Everest. On May 29, 1953 he scaled the highest mountain then known to man-29,000 feet straight up. He was knighted for his efforts. He even made American Express card commercials because of it! However, until we read his book, High Adventure, we don't understand that Hillary had to grow into this success. You see, in 1952 he attempted to climb Mount Everest, but failed. A few weeks later a group in England asked him to address its members. Hillary walked on stage to a thunderous applause. The audience was recognizing an attempt at greatness, but Edmund Hillary saw himself as a failure. He moved away from the microphone and walked to the edge of the platform. He made a fist and pointed at a picture of the mountain. He said in a loud voice, "Mount Everest, you beat me the first time, but I'll beat you the next time because you've grown all you are going to grow... but I'm still growing!"

Mechanic and doctor story

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head
from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a
world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart
surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come
take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across
the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?'    
     

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked
over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The
mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can
open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new
parts and when I finish this will work just like a
new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get
the real big money, when you and I are doing
basically the same work?'

  The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and
whispered to the mechanic..... 'Try doing it with
the engine running'

Cool Cell Phone Forwads

Messages are given to
Those who are apart
But what shall I give
When you are in my heart.
Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well... enough about me! how about you?
If u need a friend and there r hundred steps between us, u can take the 1st step to get near me & i'll take 99 step to be with you
Money: can buy a house, but not a home. can buy a clock, but not time. can buy sex, but not love. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 u
If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ...........the subscriber cannot be reached pls dont call again.
U've got sex appeal ... u've got intelligence ... u've got class ... u got da face, u got da body ... I got the wrong number ... sorry
I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. u cry, i cry. u laugh.. i laugh. u jump out of d window.. I look down & I laugh again.. haha
6 rules to be happy: free your heart from hatred; free your mind from worries; live simply; expect less; give more & always have me as ur friend
True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere
Friendship isn't how u forget but how u forgive, not how u listen but how u understand, not what u see but how u feel, and not how u let go but how u hold on!!
Friendship is a priceless gift that cant be bought or sold, but to have an understandings friend is far more worth than gold ~!
Never abandon old friends. They are hard 2 replace. Friendships is like wine: it gets Better as it grows older. Just like us... I get better, u get older.
Friendship is like a tree... It is not measured on how tall it could be, but is on how deep the roots have grown....
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry, no brain found
Without humor, life sux.
Without courage, life is hard.
Without love, life is hopeless.
Without friends like you, life is impossible.
A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!
In this world, where everything seems uncertain, only one thing is definite. You'll always be my friend, beyond words, beyond time & beyond distance!
I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.
Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.
A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.
A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend.
Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you...
a- u r attractive
b- u r beautiful
c- u r caring
d- u r delicous
e- u r exciting
f- u r funny
g- u r gorgeous
h- u r heavenly
I- I m
J- Just
K-Kidding
True love is like god, which everybody talks about and few have seen
It is not being in love that makes me happy... but is being in love with you that makes me happy
God is so wise that he never created friends with pricetags, Because..... if he did, I can't afford a precious friend like you!!!
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart
The value of life does not depend on the length of time on this earth but rather on the amount of love given and shared to the people we care about
Love is when you don't want to go to sleep, because reality is better than a dream
Love is like a cloud... love is like a dream... love is 1 word and everything in between... love is a fairytale come true... coz I found love when I found u.
It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone
Love is to think about someone else more times in a day than you think about yourself
Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending
You need money to call someone honey
Love : Loss Of Valuable Energy

Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamt of you... I wish that someday I'd dream about my pillow and I'd be hugging you.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend.
Don't cry for someone who don't worth while; the one who is worth, wouldn't make one cries.
A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.
Two snakes meet each other..
First snake:I hope I am not poisonous.
Second snake:Why?
First snake:Because I bit my lip!    
How do you keep an idiot in suspense ??? ............. ............ ...tell you later !!!
At this moment 5 million are having sex 2 million are in gun fights 91milliom at a party and one sad fucker is reading this sms
Hey, is your dad a terrorist? cos baby, you're the bomb!

Irish Proverbs

Irish Proverbs: Drinking A man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes the man.

It’s the first drop that destroys you, there’s no harm at all in the last.

If it’s drowning you’re after, don’t torment yourself with shallow water.

Irish Proverbs: Work & Idleness

It’s not a delay to stop and sharpen the scythe.

It’s a dirty bird that won’t keep its own nest clean.

Keep your shop and your shop will keep you.

A bad workman quarrels with his tools.

Unwillingness easily finds an excuse.

Lose an hour in the morning and you’ll be looking for it all day.

Laziness is a heavy burden.

Poverty waits at the gates of idleness.

Irish Proverbs: Youth & Old Age Praise the ripe field not the green corn.

Young people don’t know what old age is, and old people forget what youth was.

The schoolhouse bell sounds bitter in youth and sweet in old age.

The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune.

As the old cock crows, the young cock learns.

The old dog for the hard road and leave the pup on the path.

Irish Proverbs: Romance & Marriage It's easy to halve the potato where there's love.

If you want praise, die. If you want blame, marry.

Beauty won't make the kettle boil.

Honey is sweet, but don’t lick it off a briar.

Don’t show your skin to a person who won’t cover it.

A man cannot grow rich without his wife's leave.

Irish Proverbs: Character & Honour Better good manners than good looks.

It is more difficult to maintain honour than to become prosperous.

Promise is in honour’s debt.

Forgetting a debt doesn’t mean it’s paid.

A man may live after losing his life but not after losing his honour.

Better to be a man of character than a man of means.

Better the trouble that follows death than the trouble that follows shame.

If you come up in this world be sure not to go down in the next.

Who gossips with you will gossip of you.

Lie down with dogs and you’ll rise with fleas.

Irish Proverbs: Opportunity You’ll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind.

You won’t learn to swim on the kitchen floor.

Slow is every foot on an unknown path.

There are fish in the sea better than have ever been caught.

A combed head sells the feet.

Don’t make little of your dish for it may be an ignorant fellow who judges it.

If your messenger is slow, go to meet him.

Many a sudden change takes place on an unlikely day.

Irish Proverbs: Fortune & Wealth Enough and no waste is as good as a feast.

Cut your coat according to your cloth.

He who has water and peat on his own farm has the world his own way.

A cat can look at a king.

It is not the same to go to the king's house as to come from it.

The life of an old hat is to cock it.

There never came a gatherer but a scatterer came after him.

Better be sparing at first than at last.

If you buy what you don’t need you might have to sell what you do.

Hunger is a good sauce.

A heavy purse makes a light heart.

Heaven’s leac na teine (stone before the fire) is reserved for the poor.

Irish Proverbs: The Wisdom of Silence Silence is the fence around the haggard where wisdom is stacked.

Melodious is the closed mouth.

Who keeps his tongue keeps his friends.

Irish Proverbs: Human Nature You never miss the water till the well runs dry.

Everyone feels his own wound first.

The pig in the sty doesn’t know the pig going along the road.

Pity him who makes an opinion a certainty.

No two people ever lit a fire without disagreeing.

Seeing is believing, but feeling is the God’s own truth.

It is the quiet pig that eats the meal.

A glowing gríosach (ember) is easily rekindled.

The person bringing good news knocks boldly on the door.

Irish Proverbs: Life's Ups & Downs There’s nothing so bad that it couldn’t be worse.

Life is a strange lad.

If God sends you down a stony path, may he give you strong shoes.

It’s an ill wind that blows nobody good.

However long the day, night must fall.

You must take the little potato with the big potato.

God prefers prayers to tears.

Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot.

---

Questioning is the door of knowledge.

---

The river is no wider from this side than the other.

---

Seldom is the last of anything better than the first.

---

God is good but don’t dance in a currach.

---

A man without dinner — two for supper.

---

One must pay health its tithe.

---

Earth has no sorrows that heaven cannot heal.

---

You may as well give cherries to a pig as advice to a fool.

---

A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.

---

It’s difficult to choose between two blind goats.

---

Even a tin knocker will shine on a dirty door.

---

It’s no use carrying an umbrella if your shoes are leaking.

---

It’s no use boiling your cabbage twice.

---

Never sell a hen on a wet day.

---

What I am afraid to hear I’d better say first myself.

---

If you move old furniture it may fall to bits.

---

Never dread the winter till the snow is on the blanket.

---

The man who pays the piper calls the tune.

---

Time and patience would bring a snail to America.

---

A good retreat is better than a bad stand.

---

The man with a cow doesn’t need a scythe.

---

There’s no point in keeping a dog if you are going to do your own barking.

---

Only a fool burns his coal without warming himself.

---

An oak is often split by a wedge from its own branch.

---

Every man’s mind is his kingdom.

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There are two things that cannot be cured: death and the want of sense.

---

Stupidity is sending the goose on a mission to the fox’s den.

---

The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

---

Every finger has not the same length, nor every son the same disposition.

---

Every branch blossoms according to the root from which it sprung.

---

The friend that can be bought is not worth buying.

---

Blow not on dead embers.

---

They are scarce of news that speak ill of their mother.

---

Dead men tell no tales but there’s many a thing learned in the wake-house.

---

Many a day shall we rest in the clay.

---

He who can follow his own will is a king.

---

If you dig a grave for others you may fall into it yourself.

---

Better fifty enemies outside the house than one within.

---

If you don’t want flour on your clothes, stay out of the mill.

21 Things To Remember

* No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
* Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be
* Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
* Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
* Success stops when you do.
* When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.
* You will never have it all together.
* Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
* The biggest lie on the planet When I get what I want I will be happy.
* The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
* I've learned that ultimately , 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
* Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
* If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
* We often fear the thing we want the most.
* He or she who laughs......lasts.
* Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
* Look for opportunities..not guarantees.
* Life is what's coming....not what was.
* Success is getting up one more time.
* Now is the most interesting time of all.
* When things go wrong.....don't go with them.

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife isfinishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel andruns downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,the next-door neighbour..
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman dropsher towel and stands naked in front of Bob, aftera few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel andgoes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husbandasks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anythingabout the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining tocredit and risk with your shareholders in time,you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing hergown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly hadan accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changinggears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, rememberPsalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the fleshis weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavilyand went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushedto look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek,further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they findan antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I wantto be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, withouta care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want tobe in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with mypersonal masseuse, an endless supply of PinaColadas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in theoffice after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of mydroppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey wasproudly perched at the top of the tree..
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, whoshot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but itwon't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cowdung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lays there all warm and happy, and soonbegan to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and

promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Funny cell Phone Forwards

Law Professor: Which is the most important LAW of Finance for Starting a New Business?
Student: Father-in-Law!

Girl announced her engagement to her father.
Father: Does this fellow has any money?
Girl: Oh! Dad, U men r all alike, thats exactly what he asked me about u!

Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did.

True relatives always stand behind u during bad times. Check ur marriage album. All ur relatives were standing behind u!

Telling a lie is a fault for a little boy, an art for a lover, an accomplishment for a bachelor and a Matter of Survival for a married man. Gud Luck!

U luv sumone... u marry sumone else. The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband & the one u loved becomes the password of your emai id...!

Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?

Why are US Railroads 4 feet 8.5 inches in width?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.



Why did 'they' use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever....

So the next time you are handed a specification/ procedure/ process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important?

Ancient horse's asses control almost everything.. .

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Temperatures are running high at Hogwarts School

After the relentless bang-boom-crash of summer sequels like Transformers and Terminator , the sixth Harry Potter film comes as something of a relief for those seeking a little more humanity, even if it is of the magical variety.

Lord Voldemort has returned, dark forces lurk beyond the enchanted gates of Hogwarts School - while teenage hormones rage within.

The regular cast is back, with the addition of Jim Broadbent as the Potions Professor, Horace Slughorn, whose memories are key in the battle against the Dark Lord.

"This is very dark stuff, very dark indeed."

So says Slughorn, in one of the story's flashbacks to Voldemort's childhood.

This really is a film with little daylight. Gone are the sun-kissed Quidditch pitches of the early movies. More than ever, Hogwarts seems in the grip of an eternal winter.

And let's not forget those hormones dripping down the castle walls.

Bridge attack

Director David Yates, staying on after 2007's Order of the Phoenix, has thrown his energies into the lavish visuals and the emotional landscape.

Those wanting noisy spectacle and endless action will be disappointed. This is a talky Potter.

It feels long - but not in a bad way. The main characters and the complex plot get a chance to breathe.

Writer Steve Kloves sensibly excises the padding from JK Rowling's novel - adding new scenes such as the opening attack on London's Millennium Bridge.

The film opens with a dramatic attack on London's Millennium Bridge

But Death Eater attacks aside, relationships are what interests Yates.

Even when we first meet Harry in a cafe at Surbiton station, he is effortlessly catching the eye of a waitress.

"Harry, you need a shave my friend," says Dumbledore later, as if we need reminding that the boy Harry is becoming a man.

Dark streak

For fans of old-school Potter, there are plenty of familiar ingredients: Hogwarts Express (check), Quidditch (check), Marauder's Map (check), exploding potions (check) - even Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing.

Of more interest, however, is what's different: Tom Felton gets a chance to do more than sneer as the tortured Draco Malfoy, Alan Rickman's Snape comes to the fore, and even Rupert Grint gets to act beyond his usual Ron Weasley persona (he gets a snog, at least).

The stars are already filming the final two instalments in the series

Broadbent, as you might expect, is excellent as Slughorn, the dotty professor with a dark streak.

While there are plentiful flashes of humour, it is the gothic horror that lingers in the memory - although werewolf Fenrir Greyback (Dave Legeno) is sadly underused.

It is perhaps inevitable that the sixth film - like the sixth book - feels like it is setting up the grand finale. If slightly muted in places, Half-Blood Prince shows every sign that Yates will deliver something special for the two-part Deathly Hallows in 2010/11.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ഈസ്‌ ടോ be released on 15 July.

Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen - Official FINAL Trailer [HD]

BLONDE JOKES

☻Q : Why are blonde jokes so short?
A : So men can remember them.

☻Q : Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
A : Because they can understand them

☻Q : How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A : Shine a flashlight in their ear.

☻Q : What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A : They're both empty from the neck up.

☻Q : Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A : From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"

☻Q : Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A : So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills

☻Q : What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A : Far-from-thinking

☻Q : Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A : They keep breaking them with the hammers.

☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻She tripped on the cordless phone

☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind

☻She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

☻At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Leo

☻If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless

☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved

☻Q : What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A : She slipped off and fell down the drain

☻Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night

☻Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"

☻What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring

☻Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter

☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!

☻What are two reasons why blondes don't mind their own business? No mind. No business

☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed

☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Tokyo Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home

☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red? Instant Intelligence!

☻Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it

☻Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.


☻Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........


☻Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.


☻Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.


☻Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.


☻Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.


☻Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.


☻Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.


☻It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle.
She tried putting batteries in it.


☻To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.


☻Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.


☻Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.


☻Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof-reading.


☻Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.


☻Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.


☻It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.


☻Q: What's brown, red, black and blue?
A: A Brunette who's been tellin one too many blonde jokes.


☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.


☻Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn't find the recipe.


☻Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on 'Daddddyyy'


☻Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.


☻Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.


☻Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty?
A: A blonde parade.


☻Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre?
A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps.


☻Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces.
A: "Oh, only Six I think - I'd never manage to eat all 12 pieces."


☻Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.

☻Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-Air.


☻Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Cos sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.


☻Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Both are completely empty from the neck up.


☻Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.


☻Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.


☻Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?
A: Hide her Hair Dryer.


☻Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: alone.


☻Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV"


☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)


☻Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".


☻Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

☻Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.

☻Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.

☻Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.

☻Q: Why was the Blonde Girl smiling as she walked down the marriage eisle?
A: Cos she knew she'd given her last Blow job.

☻Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

☻Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit

☻Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Great Tits!!!"

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.

☻Q: What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.

☻Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.

☻Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she'll be ready to blow.

☻Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

☻Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?
A: No idea mate. I'm already long gone....

☻Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.

☻Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She loved to get filled with Cream.

☻Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

☻Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't shit on the street during a rally.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

☻Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

☻Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.

☻Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

☻Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

☻Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen

☻Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

☻Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

☻Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.

☻Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

☻45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

☻Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.

☻Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

☻Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

☻Q: What's the blonde's idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.

☻Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

☻Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.

☻Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!

☻Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!

☻Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

☻Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.

☻Q: What do you call a brunette and 4 sexy blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 4 condoms

☻Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.

☻Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

☻It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...

☻. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...

☻It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!

☻Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

☻Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.

☻Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

☻Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

☻Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

☻Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.

☻Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

☻Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

☻Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

☻Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

☻Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.

☻Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...

☻Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.

☻84. Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.

☻85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.

☻Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.

☻Q: Why did the blonde give a b*** job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

☻Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

☻Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.

☻Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.

☻92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

☻Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?
A: Einstein's d**k.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.

☻Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"

☻Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.

☻99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.

☻Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.

☻Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: "EuroDisney Left" so she went home.

☻Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...

☻Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.

☻Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK".

☻Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?

☻Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

☻Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17's) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends.

☻Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

☻Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She's got a checkbook.

☻Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.

☻Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.

☻Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em' with hammers.

☻Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

☻Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

☻Q: What's the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.

☻Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

☻Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.

☻Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.

☻Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

☻Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.

☻Q: What's the diff between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

☻Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

☻Q: What's a dumb Blondes favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

☻Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: No need for em to worry about blowing their brains out.


☻Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

☻Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on top of her.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

☻Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

☻Q: What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?

☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"

☻Q: Why are blonde's immune to Mad Cow Disease?
A: It only affects the brain.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
A: Blow in her ear - if natural, watch as she floats...

☻Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb.

☻Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries?
A: Under "Home Improvements."

☻Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.

☻Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: 30 mins of begging.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's quite difficult opening the legs of an Ironing Board.

☻Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

☻Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You'd pull the pin and throw it back.

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

☻Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes?
A: You don't lend the Merc out to your friend.

☻Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Sooner or later they'll both end up in the gutter.

☻Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills.

☻Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

☻Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

☻Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

☻Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.

☻Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

☻Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

☻Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well...Like, I dunno!

☻Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
A: Yeti has been spotted.

☻Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

☻Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

☻Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

☻Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

☻Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

☻Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

☻What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.

☻Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!

☻Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.

☻Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country.

☻Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!

☻What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.

☻To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.

☻What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

☻Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
Because at 69 they blow a rod...

☻What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

☻Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

☻What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

☻Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked.

☻ How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

☻Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

☻A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

☻A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

☻What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

☻Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

☻What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

☻What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.

☻Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

☻Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

☻Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

☻Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

☻How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

☻What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

☻Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She tripped on the cordless phone

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

☻Did you hear about the blonde

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Leo

☻Did you hear about the blonde

If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless

☻Did you hear about the blonde

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved

☻Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter

☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!

☻What are two reasons why blondes don't mind their own business?

No mind. No business

☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed

☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Tokyo Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home

☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red?

Instant Intelligence!

☻Why do blondes drive BMWs?

Because they can spell it

☻Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

☻Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

☻Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.

☻Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

☻How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why does it work?
"Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

☻Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

☻What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

☻What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A blond doing cartwheels.

☻What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

☻Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

☻Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!

☻What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

☻How do you know when a blond's been in your fridge?
Lipstick on the cucumbers!

☻What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

☻What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray

☻What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off the floor.

☻Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

☻What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.

☻What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
The Branch Manager.

☻What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proof-reading.

☻How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

☻Why do blondes love lightning?
They reckon somebody is taking their photo.

☻It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.

☻What's brown, red, black and blue?
A Brunette who's been telling one too many blonde jokes.

☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

☻Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
She couldn't find the recipe.





☻She was so blonde that...

☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻She managed to trip over my cordless phone.

☻On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'.

☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

☻She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order.

☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

☻She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.

☻When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.

☻She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate"

☻She got stabbed in a Shoot out.

☻She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.

☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

☻She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.

☻When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: "LOOK, they've spelled MACY's wrong!!!"

☻She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

☻She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind.

☻She tried to drown a fish.

☻If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

☻She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

☻She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.

☻It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

☻She asked for a Price-check at the 'Everythings a Pound' store.

☻They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.

☻She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

☻When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: "Grape or Cherry?"

☻She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.

☻She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

☻She tried to drown a fish.

Friendship Saying

☻FRIENDSHIP TEST...

thE tEst oF fRiEndsHip dOseN't cOmeS wHen u R 2GethEr. It cOmEs wHeN u ParT waYs & u ReaLizE tHat dEsPitE tHe dIsTanCe, thE fRiEndshIp iS sTilL tHeRe...



☻FRIENDS

True friends are like Diamonds... they are real and rare. False friends are like leaves... they are scattered everywhere.



☻F.U.C.K

REMEMBER: if u need a FUCK, u can always count on me bcoz F.U.C.K stands for FRIENDS U CAN KEEP. Fuck 4ever, & promise me that we FUCK till eternity!



☻FRIENDSHIP IS....

FRIENDSHIP isn't how U forGet but how U forGive, Not how U liSten but how U UnderStand, Not what U see but how U feel, and not how U Let Go but how U hold oN!!!



☻ PRICELESS GIFT

FriEndSHiP iS A PRiCeLeSs GiFt tHaT cAn'T Be BoUgHt Or SoLd, BuT To Have An UnDeRsTaNdiNg FriEnd iS FaR MoRe WoRtH tHaN GoLd~!



☻SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED

If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED!



☻ COMPARE

FRIENDSHIP is like a tree... It is not MEASURED on how TALL it could be, but is on how DEEP the ROOTS HAVE GROWN...



☻FRIENDS 4 LIFE

Without humor, life sux. Without courage, life is hard. Without love, life is hopeless. Without friends like you, life is impossible!



☻COMPUTER

A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!



☻FRIENDS ALWAYS

In this WORLD, where everything seems UNCERTAIN, only one thing is DEFINITE. You'll always be my FRIEND, beyond WORDS, beyond TIME & beyond DISTANCE!



☻ANGEL FRIENDS

I believe in angels, the kind that heaven sends. I'm surrounded by angels but I call them my best friends.



☻OUT OF MY CONTROL

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was choice, but falling in love with you was completely out of my control.



☻ MEMORY LASTS FOREVER

A memory lasts forever, and never does it die. True friends stay together and never say good bye.



☻ FRIENDSHIP

The ship that will never sink is my friendship with you.



☻ NEVER SPLIT

I met U as a stranger, I leave U as a friend, as long as the world stands, our friendship nv ends. All friends nv split N even if they do they will meet again.



☻NEVER LOSE TRUE FRIENDS

I always thought loving some1 was the greatest feeling, but I realised tat loving a friend is even better, we lose ppl we love but we never lose true friends.



☻ WITHOUT A FRIEND LIKE U

EveRyDay I seE LoTs oF StRangErS PasSiNg By mE, ThiS mAkeS mE reAlisED tHat, LifE woUlD be BORING, WiThoUt A FriEnD LiKE U...



☻ BEHIND YOU

DuRiNg OuR FrIeNdShIp, ThErE wIlL B TiMeS U wOn't SeE Me BeSiDe U, DuN ThInK I LeFt U BeHiNd, I JuSt ChOsE To WaLk BeHiNd U So I CaN CaTcH U WhEn U Fall...



☻ NAKED

GUY: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. GAL: If I see you naked, I'd probably die laughing.



☻ MAKING LOVE

After making love, wat r u tryin to say? I love u? Wrong! 1 more time? Wrong. U r so pretty?Wrong. I'm so tired? Wrong! The answer is tissue...tissue...plsss!!!



☻KISS

A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum. what is a kiss without a tongue.



☻PAINTING

A man was looking at a painting 4 a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng 4 autumn.



☻FALLING APART

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt N a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.



☻HOME EARLY

1 day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'



☻ NEVER LOSE ME!

We gain and lose things every day. But trust me on one thing: YOU WILL NEVER LOSE ME! I will always be there as a friend!



☻BEST FREN

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.



☻SHOOTING STARS

The times we shared is like shooting star... the time is short but really beautiful moments.... Forever engraved in our hearts.... Friends forever~!!!



☻ KEEPING A FRIEND

KeEping a FRIEND is As Difficult AS losing one. U sacrifice A lot To keep them. I may not have sacrificed enuf 4 u... but in my HEART I swear I'm keeping U..



☻ PROMISE

We've known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION. And when we say FRIEND FOREVER, that's definitely a lifetime PROMISE!



☻FLOWER

If friends were flowers I would not pick you! I'll let you grow in the garden & cultivate you with love and care so I can keep you as a friend 4ever!!



☻ A RING

A ring is round and has no end.... and that's how long I'll be your friend.



☻WONDERFUL FRIEND

There is a gift that gold cannot buy, a blessing dats rare & true, dats the gift of a wonderful friend like the friend dat i have in u!



☻WAT U SEE

Wat u see as truth wat u see as lies remember that true friendship never dies although we may change & drift apart, ill always value u deep within my heart!



☻ FATE 2B FRIENDS

A friend is never a coincidence in your life, they are meant to enter your life to bring you joy and laughter. So, i will treasure the friendship between us.



☻ WHAT YOU SAY

Everyone hears what you say... Friends listen to what you say... Best friends listen to what you don't say...



☻ FRIENDSHIP MEANS...

I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha



☻ ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU...

Friends are like stars. You can't always see them, But you know they are always there for you...



☻ LEAVING FOOTPRINTS

Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.



☻AS LONG AS....

As long as we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have Friendship, each day is never a waste.



☻ MY BRA

a gd friend is like a gd bra... hard to find, very comfortable, supportive, and always close to the heart..... HELLO MY GD BRA :)



☻ PRICETAGS

GOD is so wise that he never created FRIENDS with pricetags, Because..... if He did, I can't afford a precious FRIEND like YOU!!!



☻OLD FRIENDS

Never abandon old friends. They are hard 2 replace. Friendships is like wine: it gets BETTER as it grows OLDER. Just like us... i get BETTER, u get OLDER.



☻ PATH OF FRIENDSHIP

The sun is glazing, upon the sunlight i see the path of our friendship shining brightly knowing that it is so great to have a friend like YOU! :)



☻ NIGHT PRAYER

Dear God, thank you for making me healthy. Can you also make me sexy? If you can't make me sexy, please make all my friends fat. Amen.



☻ABOUT ME

Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, Spontaneous, Good Looking, Nice Friends, Charming, Funny, well... Enough about ME! How about you?



☻ GOOD TASTE

A phone is a form of communication, a kiss is a form of affection. A picture is a form of remembrance, CHOOSING me as ur FRIEND is a form of.. ehem GOOD TASTE!



☻ BE MY FRIEND

If U need a friend and there are a hundred steps between us, you can take the 1st step to get near me and i will take all 99 step to be there for you.



☻ RULES TO BE HAPPY

6 rules to be HAPPY: Free your heart from hatred; Free your mind from worries; Live simply; Expect less; Give more & Always have ME as UR FRIEND



☻ FRIENDS

Time might lead me to nowhere; Fate might break me apart; I'll always be thankful that once, along my life's journey I found a friend like U...



☻KISS MY ASS

The fluffy clouds may kiss the sky, The rose may kiss the butterfly, The morning dew may kiss the grass,But u my friend can kiss my ass!



☻RING

I wish I were a ring Upon my girlfriend's hand, 'Cause everytime she'd wipe her rear I'd see the promised land....



☻ FRIENDS LIKE HAIR

Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough $money$ you can buy them back.



☻NICE FRIENDS

A day is going to end again. It is nice to have a friend like U making my everyday seems so great. Thank U my good friend lastly gd nite n sweet dreams...

Funny Jokes

☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......

☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

☻ My Reality Check bounced.

☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!

☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra

☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

☻What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors

☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.

☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

☻Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?

A: One has a real live culture.

☻Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?

☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.

☻friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx

☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!

☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

Funny Phrases

☻As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition

☻She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head

☻She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner

☻About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.

☻He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery

☻She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers

☻She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!



☻He's tighter than a photo finish.

☻He's sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt

☻He's got a head balder than a baby's arse.

☻He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.

☻He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.

☻Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.

☻As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat

☻It's colder than a penguin's bollocks

☻She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging

☻You've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier

☻She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard

☻As rare as a Blonde virgin

☻I've seen more hair on a billiard ball

☻He's as camp as a row of tents

☻I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box

☻They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up

☻As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium

☻You could park a bike on that bum

☻He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank

☻He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure

☻Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers

☻About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.

☻They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump

Funny Saying

☻Lights on, door open, nobody at home

☻As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

☻He's as bent as a butchers hook

☻He's as happy as a Pig in $hit

☻About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

☻About as subtle as a flying brick

☻She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum



☻She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

☻As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

☻She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

☻About as interesting as watching paint dry

☻Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard

☻I've seen better hands on a clock

☻As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

☻He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

☻She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

☻As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

☻She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

☻She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

☻She's as fit as a butchers dog

☻She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

☻As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

☻His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

☻Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

☻As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks

☻As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

☻This guy is all foam, no beer.

☻As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

☻About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

☻A legend in his own mind...

☻He's an expert on padded cells.