Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
“I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.”
Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
“I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.”
Murphy's Law: Office equipment that has broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
“After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.”
“A computer DOES save time at work. I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.”
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken...."